Key 1: Regulating

Your body isn’t broken; it’s alarmed.

9:12 p.m. Jordan sees the messages. The floor tilts. Hands shake. Chest pounds. Words come out too loud, then not at all. Ten minutes later, Jordan can’t remember what was said – only heat, tears, and the urge to either interrogate or run.

9:12 p.m. Across the room, Alex goes cold. Stomach drops. A hundred impulses surge at once: explain, deny, confess everything, delete everything, beg, disappear. Shame roars. The body flickers between freeze and frantic.

Two people. Two alarms. This post isn’t about deciding the future; it’s about understanding why everything suddenly feels unreal and unmanageable, and why that reaction is normal in an abnormal moment.

What D-Day dysregulation can look like

In your body

• Shaking, chest tightness, nausea, headaches
• Hot/cold flashes, trembling jaw, dry mouth
• Exhaustion with no sleep, or wired at 3 a.m.

In your thoughts

• Foggy mind, repeating questions, intrusive images
• Time distortion (Was that minutes or hours?)
• Can’t decide anything; can’t hold details

In your emotions

• Waves of anger, grief, disbelief, numbness
• Sudden crying or no tears at all
• Shame (for both partners, for different reasons)

In your behavior

• Pacing, interrogating, scrolling, searching
• Withdrawing or clinging; wanting space then closeness
• Saying things you don’t mean; promising things you can’t do

You’re not overreacting. You’re having a threat response. Your nervous system is doing exactly what it’s designed to do when it perceives danger: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. It feels chaotic because betrayal is a direct hit to safety and meaning.

Why this happens

• The brain’s alarm system (think smoke detector) floods you with adrenaline and cortisol.
• The thinking/planning part of the brain goes partially offline; memory and word-finding get glitchy.
• The brain struggles to file new information coherently, which is why you repeat questions and forget answers.
• Your system keeps scanning for more threat; hence the urge to check, re-check, and revisit every detail.

What’s typical in the first stretch

First 24–72 hours

• Sleep disruption, appetite swings, nausea
• Intrusive thoughts/images that replay
• Surges of anger or panic followed by numbness
• Forgetfulness and looping questions

First 2–4 weeks

• Symptoms usually come in waves, with some steadier hours or days
• Ability to work/parent/socialize may be uneven
• Triggers (songs, texts, places) can cause sudden spikes

If this sounds like you, you’re in the range of expected responses to an unexpected injury.

Normalizing statements to keep handy

For the partner who was betrayed (Jordan)

• I’m not crazy; I’m injured.
• My memory gaps and repeated questions are part of shock.
• Needing space and then closeness can both be normal.
• I don’t have to make permanent decisions while I’m flooded.

For the partner who betrayed (Alex):

• My panic and shame are common. They don’t excuse defensiveness or lies.
• My job is to tolerate discomfort, offer stability, and not make it worse.

What helps right now (stabilizing, not solving)

For Jordan (betrayed partner)

• Keep one tiny body-calming practice on repeat (slow exhale longer than inhale; cold water on face/neck; butterfly tap).
• Limit graphic detail for now; save deeper questions for a scheduled, structured disclosure.
• Eat something simple, hydrate, and try for even one 90-minute block of sleep.
• Limit alcohol and drugs.
• Choose one safe person to tell. Too many voices can add noise.

For Alex (partner who betrayed)

• Offer containment, not persuasion: I’m here. I won’t argue or defend.
• Handle logistics (kids, meals, pet care) without expecting thanks.
• Do not delete or edit anything. Do not overpromise.
• Use a short regulation practice yourself so you can remain present.

For both

• Use a shared pause when either is emotionally over a 7/10.  Agree to take a twenty-minute reset; then come back.
• Avoid decisions that can’t be undone tonight.
• Keep voices low if others (especially kids) are home.

What not to do tonight

• Endless interrogation past your body’s capacity (it re-injures).
• Arguing intent or shifting blame (It wasn’t that bad, If you only…).
• Driving while flooded.
• Announcing ultimatums you don’t actually want or won’t keep.

In short: you’re not broken – you’re alarmed. Tonight isn’t about forgiveness, explanations, or final decisions; it’s first aid for your nervous system. If all you do is breathe a little slower, sip water, sit on cool tile, and sleep a couple of hours, you’re doing it right.

Jordan’s waves (shock → anger → numb) are a normal response to an abnormal blow. Alex feels the pull to defend, minimize, or disappear. The task is to stay present, regulate enough to listen, and begin choosing accountability over panic.

Nothing big has to be decided while the sirens are still blaring. Stabilize first so tomorrow’s choices can be real ones. Next, we’ll move into E — Examine Your Patterns, and start mapping what’s happening without adding new harm.

How counseling can help. The R in RECLAIM

Counseling helps regulate your system by giving you a skilled co-regulatorand a concrete plan. In the early sessions, we don’t dig for details, we just look to help you stabilize. You’ll learn nervous-system literacy (what fight/flight/freeze/fawn feels like in your body), then practice short, repeatable tools like paced breathing, orienting, butterfly taps, grounding, and simple vagal-toning exercises. We’ll do these right in session so they’re easier to use at home. We’ll build a personalized pause protocol (what to do when you’re over a 7/10), crisis scripts, and sleep/food routines that lower baseline arousal.

For the betrayed partner, counseling offers containment and pacing so you don’t re-injure with endless questioning; for the partner who betrayed, it targets shame/defensiveness so you can stay present without arguing or disappearing. We’ll teach you to track time-to-calm and other quick metrics to expand your window of tolerance. Once steadier, we can decide if/when to process the trauma (e.g., EMDR/somatic work)—but first, let’s get your body back under the speed limit.

In our next post E: Examine Your Patterns, we’ll map the loops that often follow disclosure (checking, interrogating, withdrawing; minimizing, rationalizing, compartmentalizing) and outline how both of you can seek clarity without causing new harm.

Need immediate assistance?

If you’re in immediate danger or need emergency medical help, call 911. For mental health or emotional distress support, use the crisis options below. USAGov

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline — Call or text 988, or chat online. Spanish available (press 2 or text AYUDA to 988). Deaf/Hard-of-Hearing: direct ASL videophone support. Veterans: press 1 or text 838255. Free and confidential. 988 Lifeline+1Federal Communications CommissionVeterans Crisis Line
• Crisis Text Line — Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 support by text. SAMHSA
• National Domestic Violence Hotline — Call 800-799-SAFE (7233), text START to 88788, or chat at thehotline.org. If your devices may be monitored, consider calling; their site has a quick-exit tool. The Hotline+1
• RAINN – National Sexual Assault Hotline — Call 800-656-HOPE (4673) or chat at online.rainn.org. Confidential, 24/7. RAINN+1

You’re not alone. If you’re unsure which to use, start with 988—they can help you figure out next steps.