(And Here’s What To Do About It)
Why Your Instincts Might Be Wrong – Sometimes
We talk about instincts – “trusting your gut” like it’s the ultimate life compass. And often, it is. But if you’ve been through trauma or emotionally unsafe experiences – whether that’s toxic relationships, difficult family dynamics, or high-stress environments – your intuition may be more alarm system than truth-teller.
This doesn’t mean your instincts are broken. It means they’ve been trained to look for danger, not safety.
How Trauma Shapes Intuition
Think of your intuition like a well-worn path in your brain. If you’ve lived through betrayal, abuse, neglect, or chaos, your internal radar has learned to detect threats quickly. That’s a strength—but it comes with a downside.
Your body may sound the alarm at the first hint of discomfort, even in relationships that are safe, kind, and loving. That alarm is intuition influenced by trauma. And sometimes, it lies.
Skill 1: Practice Cognitive Gymnastics
When your gut says, “This feels off,” ask:
- Is this a real danger or just a familiar discomfort?
- What’s another way to interpret this situation?
- If someone I trust were in my shoes, how would I advise them to see this?
This mental flexibility, what we call cognitive gymnastics, helps you interrupt your default assumptions and look at things from new angles. It’s not about pretending everything is fine. It’s about opening the door to maybe.
Skill 2: Build a Disconfirming Evidence File
If you constantly expect betrayal or abandonment, you’ll see it everywhere—even when it’s not there. Start gathering real-life counter-evidence that proves you can be safe, loved, and trusted.
Keep a running list (in a journal or note app) of:
- Times someone showed up for you.
- Times your anxiety was wrong.
- Times you trusted, and it worked out.
Use this when your brain hits the panic button. Let experience rewire your expectations.
Skill 3: Insert “Maybe” into Your Thought Loop
When your brain goes to worst-case scenario mode, try saying:
- “Maybe this is what I fear. But maybe it’s not.”
- “Maybe I’m not 100% right this time.”
- “Maybe I’m reacting from the past, not the present.”
The word maybe invites curiosity. And curiosity is a psychological antidote to fear.
Rebuilding Psychological Safety Starts with You
The truth is this: you are the owner of your internal world. Your partner can help build safety, but you control the narrative you tell yourself.
If you don’t like how you’re showing up in your relationships, your first step isn’t to change your partner – it’s to practice responding differently. Even when it feels uncomfortable. Even when your gut is screaming.
Over time, as you collect more safe experiences and positive interactions, your intuition becomes more accurate. Less reactive. More refined.
Your Gut Is Powerful – But Not Infallible
Your instincts were shaped by hard-earned lessons. Respect them. But don’t let them run the show unchecked.
Learning to pause, reflect, and reframe doesn’t mean you stop trusting yourself. It means you become someone who can both feel deeply and think critically—and that’s where real emotional safety starts.
Key Takeaways
- Intuition is powerful but can be distorted by trauma.
- Use cognitive gymnastics to challenge automatic thoughts.
- Build a file of disconfirming evidence to reinforce safety.
- Use “maybe” to introduce flexibility into rigid thinking.
- Practice new ways of responding to develop emotional regulation.